


Strawberries and Cigarettes

by doseofhowell



Category: Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), dan and phil
Genre: Amazingphil - Freeform, DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, Dan Howell - Freeform, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phil Lester - Freeform, Song fic, danisnotonfire - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2020-07-29 07:30:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20078470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doseofhowell/pseuds/doseofhowell
Summary: Dan Howell is the son of a priest from a small town, he and his father don’t see eye to eye.  Hell he doesn’t see eye to eye with anyone.  That is until a tall boy moves in down the street and Dan is forced to tutor him.(Based on Strawberries and Cigarettes by Troye Sivan)





	Strawberries and Cigarettes

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I’ve been working on this fic for a very very long time now and it’s the longest thing I’ve ever written! It didn’t turn out as well as I’d hoped but at this point I just need it to be done haha. If there’s any stupid typos, please either let me know or just kindly ignore them. It’s 4am and I proof read it but that doesn’t mean anything lmao. I hope you enjoy!

Daniel Howell was a good boy. He was quiet, clever, and always did as he was told. Of course this behavior had been expected of him from a young age. His father was a priest of the Catholic church in their city, he had been very strict on Dan, he was not going to have his child soil his reputation. Dan did not agree with many things about his life, his father being one of them. But he never dared to speak out against him, he’d tried that once at the age of twelve, needless to say it didn’t end well for the outspoken tween. So, Dan quietly read his Bible, wore his small gold cross around his neck, and did as his father told him.

One of the biggest oppositions Dan Howell had against his father was waking up for Sunday mass. Reluctantly he turned over reaching for his phone that sat on the small table next to his twin bed. The screech of his alarm finally came to a stop as he swiped the screen. The white light of the cell phone me his tired brown eyes, his father had messaged him. He quickly scanned the text.  _ Left for the church early, you’ll have to walk. Be on time.  _ A groan of annoyance escaped the brunettes lips, if early mornings full of his fathers hateful, and very much not Christian, preaching was bad enough, he now had to walk a mile in his dress shoes.

He stayed wrapped in the warmth of his duvet for as long as he possibly could, but eventually the time to rise came. Far to quickly in his opinion. The chill of his bedroom brought goosebumps to his arms, it was significantly colder without his blankets. He took no notice to the sudden chill on his skin, he stripped down changing into black slacks, and a simple white button down top. His eyes met his own reflection as he looked to the mirror that was hung above the dresser. His skin was clear and smooth, scattered with small freckles, his hair a mess of curls on top of his head. There was no fixing the nest that had formed on his head, he simply ran his fingers through so he could at least say he’d used a little effort. He brushed his teeth before double checking his appearance in the mirror once more. He wasn’t very satisfied at the boy who stared back at him, but it was far to early for him to dwell on it.

Pulling a white jumper over his head, Dan made his way down the stairs, pulling the collar of his button down to fall over the neckline of the sweater. The air of the outside world had a similar chill to that of his bedroom, once again he chose to ignore his bodies rejection to the temperature and continued on with his mission. The neighborhood was virtually silent, it was free from human made sounds as least, besides Dans quiet footsteps down the pavement. At the time he was the strange one in the neighborhood, everyone was still deep in sleep, even if church was on their horizon they wouldn’t wake for at least another half hour. He knew that he should pick up his pace but his legs continued with their long slow strides. The world surrounding occupied him to much to care about the scolding he’d get for his tardiness. Autumn was in full swing, beautiful shades of red and yellow had swallowed the green of summer. Dan adored the season, the crisp fresh air, beautiful leaves, apples, and warm drinks; it was his personal heaven. It always seemed peaceful. Ah yes, peace, the sweetness of calmness and inviting atmosphere, he craved it.

You’d assume the son of a priest wouldn’t have to pray for peace, but you’d be very wrong. You see Mr Howell was not a very good Catholic, he was very radical, taking what he thought was right to the extremes. He said he followed the Bible as written, that would be true if the Bible preached hatred. The man was the perfect example of xenophobia. If it didn’t comply with his straight, white, male, ideals it was wrong. And he was very much not opposed to preaching these beliefs, those who he was preaching to didn’t seem to mind either. Except his own son that is. Daniel had the stark opposite views of his father. Just adding another mark to the reasons he resented his father, a list that was much longer than it should’ve been. Dan couldn’t remember the first time his father had ruined something, but there were certain memories that leapt out at him. Like in the first grade, he’d befriended the little girl seated across from him. Her name was Aliya, she had light brown hair, dark golden eyes, and the one of the sweetest smiles Dan had ever seen. They were inseparable in school until that fateful day in December, the class was having a Christmas party. Each child had showed up in warm jumpers, covered from head to toe in red and green, many of them had even brought in their parents to help serve food and sweets. Mr Howell, per request by his wife, was one of these parents. He watched from across the room as his son played with a small girl. They were sat side by side, gleefully coloring in the activity books they’d been given. Aliya stuck out like a sore thumb, she was the only child without the same red and green flare as the others. When they left that day his father had asked about her. Not knowing any better, Dan told him that Aliya doesn’t celebrate Christmas. Aliyas family were not Christian, immediately building a wall between the two children, killing the beautiful friendship that could’ve been. Simply due to the hateful speech Dan heard from his father, he was always told that his parents know best after all.

As he got older, the issues seemed to continue to grow. Dan had never been very stereotypically masculine, while other boys were out playing football and playing in the mud, he was sat watching his mother. She sat in front of her vanity carefully painting her face with colorful creams and powders. The young boy couldn’t help his fascination, what child didn’t keep a close eye on their parents? But as he grew issues began to arrive. Middle school rolled around and he still watched his mother with amazement every morning before school. One Tuesday morning the boys fascination could no longer be contained. Mrs Howell had left for work early that morning, leaving Daniel and his curiosity alone.

He watched out the window for five minutes, making sure his mother wasn’t coming back. When he felt the coast was clear he quickly made his way down the hall and into his parents' bedroom. He started into his own eyes in the reflection from the vanity mirror. Different brushes and colors sprawled in front of him, he quickly began to mimic his mother's routine. Foundation was first, he pushed the pump of the glass bottle, the tan liquid spilling onto the back of his hand. With a light touch Dan began to spread the makeup across his face, his already clear skin became more seamless, freckles disappearing into the smooth complection. Blush was next, his hands pushed the many containers around the flat surface until the found the small circle of pink pigment. He took the large, fluffy, brush into his left hand, he’d longed to touch this in particular. The bristles were soft just as he’d imagined. The stiffness of the tan foundation was suddenly broken by a pink flush, he had used far to much but that didn’t matter. After careful consideration eyeshadow was taken out of the picture, he did have to leave for school soon after all, but mascara and lipstick was necessary. The slim black tube was quite intimidating, unscrewing the cap a thick round brush coated in black appeared. Gingerly the brunette brought the wand to his lashes, shaky hands applying the mascera. His hand dropped as he backed up a bit to admire his work, his already long lashes were now even longer. Finally it was time for lipstick, a beautiful shade of red, his mother's favorite. Carefully the wax was swept over his plump lips. The eleven year old had been so focused on his art that he hadn’t heard his father enter the house and come to stand in the doorway of his bedroom. There he stood watching his son, his only son, apply lipstick.

Angry was an understatement for the reaction that came from Mr Howell. He made it very clear to his son that he was not to do such a thing ever again, he hadn’t raised a faggot and he didn’t plan on it either. Dan never did touch his mothers makeup again, nor did he watch her apply it, he began to simply keep to himself. It seemed to much easier that way.

But the worst reaction of all came at the age of nine. Dan had developed a crush on the little boy who lived down the road, he was completely oblivious to his father homophobia at the time. He didn’t even realize his feelings could be considered different. But that soon changed when his father saw he and his friend innocently holding hands as they played in the backyard. That night the Howell residence was filled with yelling as his father spat words of disgust at Dans confused and sad form.

_________________________________

After what seemed to be hours Dan finally burst through the large wooden doors of church. Immediately he was met with the sight of his father, he stood in the middle of the room speaking with an elderly woman and a tall boy. He looked up at Dan, careful to not break his smile in front of others, but his eyes spelled it out for Dan.  _ You’re late. _ He was always meant to show up at least an hour before the service began to help set up, today there was only thirty minutes to spare.

“Ah, there you are Daniel. This is Mrs Lester, I’m sure you’ve seen her at service before,” he gestured to the white haired women, no, Dan had not seen her before, “Mrs Lester's grandson has come to live with her for the time being, this Phil.”

Dan looked the boy up and down, his brown eyes focusing on every inch of his lanky body. He was tall, slightly taller than himself, with tufts of straight black hair swept across his forehead. His skin was smooth and pale, and bright blue eyes full of light.

“Hello.” Dan spoke quietly, he didn’t like speaking to people much, but he felt the pressure of his father's presence.

“Hi.” Phil didn’t seem interested in talking either.

“While Phil is here you’re going to be helping him with his school work and Bible studies. You’ll be meeting after school at least every other day for studying, and after every service you both attend. I’m sure you could both use the friendship as well.”

Dan felt his mouth gape a bit in shock. He’d only just walked in the door, hell he’d only just met this boy and he was being forced to tutor him. He knew his father was only doing this to make himself look good, not to help Dan make friends. He’d never cared that his son was friendless before, but the man would do anything to be loved by the public. Just another reason for Dan to add to the list.

_________________________________

The service seemed to last longer than usual today, usually days like these were Hell for Dan Howell but today he couldn’t help but be thankful. His mind and body were wracked with anxieties about the boy he’d just met who he’d be spending a significant amount of time with. Though it seemed as though hours had passed, he couldn’t help but let out groan wishing it would have continued on just a bit longer. No such luck, families began to rise and funnel out of the pews, making their way out. Dan waited for a gap in the crowd, slipping between two young children. He shuffled quickly through the mess of people, attempting to make his way out of the chaos as fast as humanly possible. Finally pushing through the mass and making his way down a long corridor, eventually reaching the room his father had told him to wait in. He set his Bible on the table, taking a seat in one of the cushioned seats, waiting. Moments later the boy he was waiting for walked through the door, closing it behind him. Without saying a word he grabbed the chair next to Dan, flipping it so he could rest his elbows on the back. His blue eyes pierced Dans.

“Phil Lester,” he said pushing his hand out, Dan shook it.

“Dan Howell.”

“Alright Howell, we can make this as easy or as difficult as you’d like. If you want your work cut out for you we can sit in this room for hours while you try to teach me maths and religion, which I have no interest in learning. Or you could let me copy your work so I can raise my grades and get everyone off my back quickly and you won’t have to deal with this shit. So what’ll it be, easy or hard?”

“Easy.” Dan answered him without any hesitation, any way to get out of this he would take it.

“Perfect,” he gave Dan a small smile, “I don’t mind seeing you though, you’ve got a pretty face Howell.”

Dan felt heat rush to his ears and cheeks, red spreading through his face. Phil looked at him with a cheeky smile, giving him a wink.

“Erm, thanks, but I’m not-” he struggled for words, “yeah, we can be friends.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

_________________________________

Phil had insisted that the two walk home together.  _ We should start to get to know each other, yeah?  _ Yeah, sure they should. The made their way out of the church and back into the chill of the outside world. Phils grandmother had made him bring all his school work with him, so he had a backpack on his shoulders, along with two text books and a Bible in his arms. They started to make their way down the street.

“Howell go in the small pocket of my bag and grab me a cigarette would you?” Dans eyes widened a bit, he knew his father would scold him if he knew he was helping a teenager smoke. That made him reach for Phils bag even faster. Pulling one of the sticks out, Phil opened his mouth as a gesture for Dan to place it between his lips.

“Light it for me yeah?” He fished the lighter out of the same pocket, lighting it, then zipping the back shut. He watched as Phil too a long drag, struggling to pull it from his mouth with full hands.

“Thats gonna’ give you cancer you know.”

“Oh well, I’d rather die satisfied than going through withdrawls.”

“Fair enough I guess.” They walked side by side, Dan stared at their feet not knowing how to carry the conversation. Thankfully Phil picked it up for him.

“So what's life like around here”

“Excruciatingly boring. You wake up, go to work or school, and go to church. That's all anyone seems to do.” Dan frowed thinking about how uneventful his life really was,

“So, no parties?”

“No.”

“No festivals?”

“No.”

“So just nothing?”

“Yes, absolutely nothing.”

“We’ll just have to make our own fun then.”

_________________________________

Dans messy handwriting was smeared across his notebook, quickly but carefully finishing his literature studies essay. His chocolate eyes started down at the balck ink and sharp blue lines of the paper. The assignment wasn’t due for another three days, and he was nearly done, but it went over better with his father if his work was done early. So he continued writing digilantly about the extremely dry novel he’d read a week prior. But his concentration was broken by the buzz of his cellphone. A message from an unknown number covered the screen, Dan bit his lip forcing himself to ignore it, looking back to his work. His strength lasted a whole fifteen minutes, when his phone buzzed a second time, another message. He groaned picking it up scanning the words in front of him. ‘ _ Hey Howell, how’s that homework going?’  _ Phil, it was the only explanation. ‘ _ Wanna’ take a break and talk to me? ;)’  _ Dan shook his head at the screen, he’d just met Phil two days ago and the black haired boy was very diligent to get Daniels attention. 

Dan had simply been ignoring the flirting as much as possible. He wouldn’t dare to admit it but he didn’t mind the attention from Phil, there was something about him that he’d taken a liking too. Not in a romantic way of course, Dan Howell was NOT gay. Yes, he was most definitely  _ not  _ gay.

“ _ Hello, Phil. How did you get my number? _ ” 

“ _ Your dad, I asked him for it!”  _ Dan couldn’t help but curse at his father under his breath.

“ _ Why?” _

“ _ Just more opportunity to flirt with you, babe.” _

“ _ Don’t call me that. And I need to finish my work, talk to me at school tomorrow.” _

_ “Whatever you say babe, see you at school!” _ Dan rolled his eyes, he could picture Phils smirk.

_________________________________

The plan Dan and Phil had made on that first day seemed to work perfectly. Dan would do the work, send it to Phil, Mr Howell was happy, as was Phils grandmother. The system was less than flawless though from the inside. Phil had made it his mission to have Dan fall in love with him. Dan on the other hand could feel himself caving for Phils charm, and that was terrifying. His mind was slowly but surely filling with thoughts of the black haired boy he was meant to be tutoring but ended up being his only friend. 

He found himself drifting out of focus in class, thoughts of those big blue eyes clouded his brain. Homework was pushed to second place, playful and flirtatious texts were moved to the front, though Dan still kept his ‘playing hard to get’ attitude. He wouldn’t let Phil Lesters stupid pickup lines and compliments win that easily, he wasn’t gay after all, at least thats what he told himself. He’d fully convinced himself that this was just for fun, he wasn’t actually falling for a boy. It was all a ploy, a sham, a horny teenaged boy who didn’t have a girl to take out his hormones on. Nothing gay about that, nothing at all. 

_________________________________

The hallway buzzed with more energy than usual, it was Friday. Like every other school students seemed to be at their worst on Fridays, itching to be freed. Dan stood alone at his locker away from the crowded chaos. carefully placing his books into his locker. He listened as hoards of his classmates passed by, gossiping, and discussing God knows what, he couldn’t help but listen. He closed his locker, turning around to face the open corridor, full on people watching now. His eyes scanned through the familiar faces looking for something interesting. Eventually he found the person he’d been secretly hoping to find. Phil was stood diagonal to him, he was propped against a locker, a pretty red haired girl in front of him. He was shamelessly flirting with her, smirking as her face lit up into a blush. Dan couldn’t help but smile a bit, he knew it was all an act, Phil knew damn well he was gay, this was just a way to pass the time. His conversation slowly dulled, his blue eyes pulled away from hers, meeting Dans quickly. A smile spread across his face, eyes completely lighting up, it was different than the smile he’d given her, it was now genuine. 

Their eyes never left each other, the girl had walked away, and Dan had began to walk across the busy hall. He was completely focused on the boy in front of him, ignoring the fact that someone had been trying to walk down the hall right where he was passing. Inevitable they made impact, the broad strong shoulders of Clay Wright ramming into Dans lanky frame, knocking his feet out from under him. Dan hit the floor, the feeling of the cold tiles seeping through his jeans, pain shooting through his tailbone. He looked up meeting the eyes of a boy who had hated him for as long as he could remember, he’d been bullied since starting school but Clay had been the most brutal never backing down.

“What the Hell? Watch yourself asshole.” Dan opened his mouth preparing to apologize but Phil quickly interrupted running to his side. 

“Shit, Dan. Are you alright?” Dan nodded, looking at the floor knowing that the situation most likely wouldn’t end well.

“Maybe instead of eye fuckiing your boyfriend you should watch where you’re going Howell. Staying out of the way is more important than doing whatever faggot shit you were doing.”

“Don’t talk to him like that.”

Dan watched as Phils eyes changed from caring to anger in seconds. He made his way to get closer to Clay, looking into his eyes. Dan swallowed thickly, standing up, pulling the back of Phils shirt. Panicked whispers of ‘stop’ and ‘please’ left his lips, but Phil simply batted him away. 

“Oh shut up Lester, you know he’s a fag just as well as I do.”

“So what if he is? I am and you don’t see anyone talking to me like that.”

“Just as I thought you’re just as disgusting.” He spat only making Phils blood boil more.

“Disgusting aye? Like your anyless of a cock sucker.”

What Phil didn’t know was who quick of a fuse Clay had, he had no time to react as a punch was thrown hitting him square in the nose. It cracked slightly, blood began to pour out, Phil ignored this immediately throwing a punch of his own. Dan yelled for the to stop as other students began gathering, watching in shock and interest as the two boys beat on each other. The halls dull roar grew as cheering for either side began to fill the room. Teachers quickly caught on leaving their rooms and making their way through the crowd to break the throwing of hands. Eventually two of them pulled the boys apart dismissing the crowd. Phil looked back at Dan as he was escorted away toward the main office. Nose and lips covered in blood he smiled fondly at the brunette. Dan smiled back, concern filling his eyes as the bell for first period rang. 

The day drug on for what seemed like millennials, Dan was completely absent from his classes. Only one thing was in his mind, Phil. When the final bell rang that day Dan couldn’t help but run out of the building, fishing his phone from his pocket, a message from Phil immediately flooded the screen. I got kicked out for a week for defending you.  _ ‘Guess you’ll have to spend some time with me to make up for it ;)’  _ A smile curved from Dans lips as he quickly typed a reply: ‘ _ I'll meet you at five, your place’. _

_________________________________

Once again Dan found himself in front of his mirror, long fingers fishing through his hair attempting to tame his mess of curls slightly. This quickly ended there was no hope for that, he shrugged looking himself up and down. He wore black jeans, and a black Muse t-shirt. He didn’t know why he cared how he looked, he was just going to see Phil, but then again that was most likely the reason, though he’d never admit it.

He walked quickly down the sidewalk, making his way down the few blocks in record time. His parents were out as they were every Friday, as far as they knew he was at the church studying with the boy he was going to meet. The slight fear of being scolded remained at the back of his mind, but he ignored that trudging on.

As he approached Phil’s grandmother's house he saw Phil spring up from the doorstep and run to the car parked in the driveway, the stick of a sucker hung from the side of his mouth. It was an old beaten up Jeep, it’s black paint peeling at the edges with spots of rust near the wheels.

“Come on we're going for a drive!”

Dan walked to the passenger side hoping in, Phil did the same. They buckled their seat belts and stuck the key in the ignition, twisting it. The Jeep came to life, engine roaring dully under the hood. They drove through the city as the sun began to set. Dan had no clue where they were going, he'd lived here his entire life and there wasn't many places for them to go. He watched the familiar buildings and street signs pass in a slight blur.

It didn't take long for them to reach the outskirts of town. Phils eyes were focused on the road as Dan watched him, for not being here Phil seemed to know exactly where they were going. He made a right turn, driving away from town into the small wooded area that bordered the outer edges. They were tossed about slightly in their seats as the car bounced along the uneven dirt road. Eventually they reached the end of the lane, there was a slight clearing where a large bank with a small stream that ran towards town. Phil pulled up before turning so the back end of the car faced the babbling water.

The boys hopped out of the vehicle. Phil made his way to the back, opening the door before sitting on the edge of the trunk, Dan quickly followed taking a seat next to him. They sat in a comfortable silence at first, watching the water run through the sand and small rocks, and the way the red leaves were blown from the trees. Shoving his hand into his pocket Phil retrieved his pack of cigarettes, replacing the now empty lollipop stick with one, he lit it taking a drag before holding it in his right hand. Phils attention was quickly pulled away from the first though, his eyes travelled to the boy sat on his right. Dans eyes were fixated on the world around him, the brown pools sparkling, his expression soft. Soon enough he felt Phils eyes on him, he turned his head to meet him.

“What are you looking at?”

“You.”

“Why’s that?”

“I've said it before, and I’ll say it again, you're so damn pretty Dan Howell.”

Dans cheeks flushed a deep pink, they smiled sweetly to each other soaking in the sparks flying between them. Since they'd taken their seats they'd been sat close, but now there was no gap between them, shoulders pressed together. Phils hand slowly moved over to where Dan’s hand sat in his led, gently tangling their fingers together. The brunette sighed contently, resting his head against Phils shoulder.

“I've been thinking a lot recently you know.” Dan spoke softly.

“What about?”

“I think I’m gay.” He couldn't believe those words had left his mouth, what was he doing?

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“And what makes you think that?” Dan lifted his head making eye contact with Phil's blue eyes. Phil took one last puff from his cigarette before tossing it in the river.

“As much as I don't want to admit it, I can't get you out of my head. All I can think about is your stupid smile, and how your hair falls in your eyes, and how I want to kiss you so badly and -”

He was cut off by Phil leaning forward, pressing his mouth to Dans. His lips were soft against Dans slightly chapped ones. He could taste the butter ash of his cigarette but the sweetness of artificial strawberry cut through as well, his lips still held the flavor of the sticky sweet. There was no denying it anymore, he liked Phil, and he could definitely get used to this.

_________________________________

He slowly twisted the handle of his front door, pushing it with an extremely light touch. He was late, curfew was ten and it was currently eleven, both Mr and Mrs Howell were under the impression that he’d been at the church studying at this time. Dan didn’t think they’d be to please to find him home and hour late from a makeout session with the boy he was supposed to be tutoring.

Carefully Dan stepped over the threshold, moving his lanky legs as slowly and quietly as possible. He closed the door behind him, taking note that the lights were still off meaning his parents were not home. He sighed audibly, loosening from his previously tense stance, walking towards the kitchen. A small note was taped to the counter:  _ We’ll be out later tonight, see you in the morning.  _ Thank God. He was off the hook at least for now. As if on queue his phone buzzed in his pocket.

“ _ Did they kill you?” _

_ “Got lucky, they’re not home.” _

_ “Damn, good. Nan was pissed, she doesn’t believe I was studying for that long lol.” _

_ “I mean, is she wrong?” _

_ “True… Didn’t get much studying done now did we?” _

_ “No, no we didn’t.”  _ Dan smiled down at his phone, he definitely enjoyed not studying.

_ “I think we should study again tomorrow.” _

_ “Deal. So long as there’s no studying involved.” _

_________________________________

There was no denying it anymore, Dan Howell was most definitely, without a doubt, gay. There was also no denying that Dan Howell, was most definitely, without a doubt, falling in love with Phil Lester.

The feeling was so new, dangerous even, and Dan couldn’t get enough. Their “study” sessions went from being every few days to everyday, and in between classes were spent in the locker room or somewhere were no one else would see them. What had started with a simple kiss in the back of Phil’s Jeep had turned into hundreds of makeout sessions as the months rolled on. All innocent at first until kisses slowly but surely began to be placed lower and lower until they finally reached below the belt. They couldn’t get enough of each other.

Phil’s grandmother had definitely taken a liking to her grandsons “friend”. Dan was quiet and polite and was always quick to thank her for anything and everything. After the night in Phil’s car, Dan found himself at his house quite regularly. It was safer here, much less risk of being caught. Mrs Lester would leave the boys to themselves, blissfully watching whatever was on the television as they were entangled in each other up stairs.

Phil’s room had gone quiet now, the boys were pressed together tightly in bed. Messy hair and slightly sticky, sweat laced skin, met as Dan wrapped him arms around Phil’s neck, Phil responding by placed him hands on Dans waist pulling him closer. Their foreheads met with a soft pat, blue eyes meeting brown ones. Dan lifted his chin bringing his chapped lips to Phil’s mouth, breathing in the familiar taste of cigarettes and the strawberry flavored chapstick Phil had applied earlier in the day. The kiss was lazy and slow, it wasn’t leading anywhere, they were simply drinking each other in.

“I wish this could last forever.” Dan said as he pulled away.

“Who says it can’t?”

“You know I wish it could. The world is against us Phil.”

As much as he didn’t want to admit it, he knew Dan was right. If they were ever caught like this everything would come crashing down. Though not nearly as strict as the Howell’s, Phil’s parents were no saints. They most definitely would NOT be pleased to know that their son was in bed with another man who was supposed to be teaching him arithmetic and discussing Bible verses. Phil knew if they ever found out it would never be the same, they’d still allow him to be part of the family, but that wouldn’t stop backhanded comments and rude remarks. Though he knew that would be awful, he knew Dan would be off much worse. His father would completely disown him, and his mother would go along with what her husband chose to do, leaving him completely alone.

“We could always just leave them all. Run away like they do in the movies.”

“As much as I’d love to run away with you, we don’t need a missing persons report made for us either.”

“Well we’d leave them a note.  _ ‘We’re not missing, just running away.’ _ ”

Dan giggled softy, pushing his face into the crook of Phil’s neck, breathing him in. Phil smiled softly at the boy in his arms, hands tangling into Dans soft curls.

_________________________________

Autumn had now come and passed, late February brought brutal cold and soft white mounds of snow. Dan and Phil were once again sat in the back of the old black Jeep parked at the edge of the river. Only now their feet didn’t dangle off the bumper, instead they were sat with the trunk closed, blankets covering the floor as they laid down staring at the roof. Their fingers were perfectly tangled together, Phil’s thumb gently rubbed over Dans knuckles, his free hand tapping off his lit cigarette into the ashtray he had sat next to him. They sat comfortably in silence, occasionally catching each other’s gaze, staring sweetly into each others eyes. It had been six months since they’d met now, the time from September till now had seemed to move so quickly, but achingly slow at the same time. Phil was the one to finally crack the silence.

“I think my grandmas getting sick.” Dan immediately snapped out of his happy trance, his eyes quickly looking to Phil.

“What? What’s wrong with her?”

“She hasn’t been right lately, she’s always been forgetful but it seems like every little thing confuses her now.” They both went quiet for a moment, knowing damn well what that usually meant for older people.

“It’ll all be okay, I promise. She’ll be just fine, you’ll be there for her after all.” Dan squeezed Phil’s hand, bringing a small smile to the pale boy’s face. It was amazing how just Dan’s words of reassurance could make him feel so much better.

The world went quiet again, their hands breaking free only for Dan to scoot over, pressing his body to Phil’s while resting his head on his chest. Phil wrapped his arms around Dan, hugging him tightly to his body, feeling his warmth through his thin cotton shirt. It was moments like this that made it seem like the world had stopped spinning, they were untouchable, completely happy. Phil took one last drag from his cigarette, the car now clouded with smoke as he blew the final O’s from his lips, carefully putting it out on the tray. Their lives had been consumed not just with one another but long nights, daydreams, sugar, and smoke rings; and they couldn’t have been happier about it. Times like these when the Earth has stalled its orbit were when the boys had noticed just how in love they really were.

“I love you.” Phil mumbled softly into Dan's hair.

“I love you too.”

_________________________________

Time continued to tick on, and with it went Mrs Lester’s health. Both Phil and Dan knew it, but neither spoke of it, they didn’t want to face the inevitable. It was now June and Phil had one month left in town, then he’d be moving back home to his parents, taking his grandma with him. She couldn’t care for herself anymore, she’d forget where she was, makeup stories, and even question who her grandson was when he walked through the door. She still remained extremely fond of him but could never seem to put her finger on who exactly he was.

Both boys became more and more desperate to see each other, trying to make the most of their dwindling time together, all while trying to stay distracted from the fact that Phil’s grandmother wasn’t going to get better.

Dan did his best to help Phil. Whether it was kind words of reassurance or bringing dinner to the Lester residence for the three of them to share. Phil couldn’t have been more thankful for him. Though she couldn’t quiet remember who Dan was, Mrs Lester would smile when she saw him make his way into the house. They would help her into bed early, closing her bedroom door quietly as they would creep back into the now empty house. Many nights Dan would tell him parents he was helping Phil with summer school homework late into the night, so it was easier just to stay over. Little did the Howells know that Phil was not enrolled in summer school, but what they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them of course.

Sleeping together had become routine for Phil and Dan. Falling asleep in the safety of each others arms, and waking up to the warmth of another body next to themselves. Phil’s bedroom had become a sanctuary, not just for the liking of their raging hormones, but for sweet kisses and soft spoken ‘I love you’s’. Needless to say waking up and having to leave the safe, serine world of Phil’s duvet was the hardest part of the day.

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Somehow the first Wednesday of July had already arrived. Dan stepped out of the Lester's house, hastily hooping down the front steps, the last cardboard box from inside in his arms along with one of Phil’s hoodies he’d decided to steal. Phil followed close behind, closing the door and locking it for a final time. Dan haphazardly shoved the box into a small hole he had found in the carefully stacked pile in the back of Phil’s Jeep. He stepped back cautiously admiring his Tetris skills, quickly shutting the back door before the opportunity for collapse was an option.

The two stood alone in the driveway, Phil’s grandmother had been picked up by his Father earlier that day. Brown and blue eyes scanning the building up and down, reliving the fond memories they’d created there in such a short time. Their eyes weren’t locked on the house for long though, per usual they turned to each other, staring deeply at one another. Phil reaches out to the slightly shorter boy, gently interlocking their fingers, there was no denying that their hands fit perfectly together. The look they’d been sharing slowly began to change, big brown eyes slowly welling with tears, blue ones not far behind. They knew it was time but neither would admit that.

“I love you, you know that? Always will.”

“I love you too, always will.”

They leaned into one another, their mouths meeting in a sweet, soft kiss. It lingered neither willing to pull away until they finally need air. Quickly their arms wrapped around one another, a final tight hug. Phil pulled away slightly, wiping a tear from Dans soft cheek, placing a kiss to his forehead before fully separating their bodies. Dan watched silently as the boy he’d fallen in love with climbed into the drivers seat of his car, turning the key bringing the engine to life. They made eye contact once more as Phil backed out of the driveway, Dan gave him a watery smile and a small wave as he watched the black Jeep disappear down the street. It was the last they’d ever see of each other, and they both knew it.

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Dan sat on his bed staring down at the green hoodie in his lap. Tears still slowly streamed down his face when he suddenly realized the weight of the sweatshirt. It was much heavier than it should’ve been. He reached into the pocket, pulling out a half full pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and a single piece of gum still wrapped in paper. He shoved everything back into the pocket before pulling the hoodie over his head and getting to his feet.

He walked quickly and quietly out of the house, careful not to get any attention drawn to himself. The July sun beat down, it was much to hit to be wearing a sweatshirt but that wasn’t going to stop him. He knew was he was doing, walking to the familiar path that they’d drove down together so many times before. Eventually reaching the river bank he so desperately wanted to see. He quickly found a large rock near the waters edge, taking a seat on it before pulling the contents of the pocket once again.

He pulled a cigarette from the carton, placing it between his lips. He’d never smoked before, to be honest, he'd never even considered it, but something about the package of rolled tobacco was calling to him. He switched the lighter on, inhaling sharply before pulling the stick from his mouth. His throat was dry, lungs blazing, as a cloud escaped from his lips. He coughed into his elbow, he hadn’t held it in like Phil had done but it was enough to give his intolerant body a slight buzz. One puff was enough for Dan Howell to give up smoking the day he started. He swiftly tossed the lit cigarette into the slow rush of the water, watching as it was swept away to God knows where.

His mouth was full of the familiar taste of ash, his nose surrounded by the scent of Phil’s cologne only halfway masking the smell of smoke. The pack and lighter were now discarded, lying next to the boys feet, only the single piece of gum still in his left hand. He gingerly unwrapped it, taking not of the light pink color. Within seconds the paper was tossed into the river, pink rubber slowly formed between his teeth, another taste he knew all too well springing to life. Strawberry.


End file.
